12 step program to recovery

"Tonight, I danced my butt off. But even in all the midst of the jumping around to old school hip hop I found myself alone. I called a friend of mine to see how they were doing. I then asked what they were getting into later in the evening. They told me that they were meeting up with a bunch of their friends to go to cleo's. No, not the strip joint. That place really ought to change it's name. anywho. They invited me along. Now I must inform the reader that I was not looking for an invitation."

so we go out. step up right next to dj bmf's .myspace.com/djbmf) turntables and jam out. but as i watch the person i came with have conversations with everyone except me i begin to drift into my old veronica mode. im sad on the inside but try to hide it on the outside. questioning if i have anything in common with this person whatsoever. whether this person just invited me along because they felt obligated. so at this point im upset and not enjoying myself as much as i would like. sending me through another realm of self-hate. i get home and i stand at the door for what seems to be eternity but only a split second and i see my life flash before my eyes. me. alone. quickly i come in, change out of my danced out clothes into my bob marley shirt and head for my 12 step program.

i wrote this three weeks ago and told myself i was going to read it everyday. i failed at doing that so im going back to start my mission over the right way.

i took every negative thing i thought about myself and turned into the positve. here they are as followed:

1) i am worthy to be loved

2) i am beautiful

3) i have the ability to do whatever i choose to do and do it well

4) i accomplish all my tasks before deadline

5) i am powerful

6) i am stress free

7) i am intelligent and always willing to learn more

8) i treasure my alone time

9) i create action

10) i am gifted, blessed and anoited

11) i know where i am and where i am going

12) i love me

Get Out and Be Life!

"When I saw you, I knew you wanted to cut a rug! Come on, let's go cut a rug!"

friday i went out. i went out with some really good friends and shared laughs and memories that will only belong to us. we called it road trip. even though it was just to cocoa. i went out. i know i keep repeating this but it means so much to me when i leave a house and breathe air that is knew to me.

on this adventure went dj sps, julie, rubox and myself. we were going to alias' cd release party. sps was performing as well as a few more nonsense artists (www.nonsenserecords.com). so you know what that means! photo ops! on our arrival we encountered dj rod-1 spinning on the ones and twos. rippin' it as usual. he threw on some fugees followed by blackstar. at that moment i was invited out on the dancefloor with this crazydope man. it was good to dance. i havent dance in a long time. i laughed like a school girl. hiding my face with my hands and my camera as i took pics of the moment. his name was chris. i think he is alias' brother. he danced all night.

we waited all night for sps to get on, but when he did he took everyone back to a place where some either hadnt been or missed like a summer rain. swamburger, rubox and fellow b-boy uprocked, spinned and all the other stuff inbetween.

the ride home was the best. i almost busted a gut with rubox's unending jokes. we all sang 80's hits and eventually fell asleep.

now i must back it up to thursday (stardust) and wednesday (speakeasy @ will's pub). two words. BUDDY WAKEFIELD. j.bradley (www.brokenspeech.com) said that if the sun came down to earth it would be buddy wakefield. the sun he definitely is. invited my friend rubox and he invited his friend from work and we were invited by buddy to listen to some awesome poetry. that man can do nothing but inspire you to write. go to his site. www.buddywakefield.com. strat should have been there.

wednesday was more awesome. packed room at speakeasy to hear buddy wakefield. my homeboy shawn welcome was there. as well as rubox. reunited myself with kendra corrie. it was poet heaven for me. sharing stories and jokes with people i hadnt seen in a while. curtis, ronin, and jarrod did jawdropping group pieces. im so glad i stayed to the end.

tuesday was the last day of school for the students. i got through the whole day without crying until the last child rode her bike to my crossing position. it was my favorite karma student, brina. face red and ready to shed tears. we hugged and i told her how amazing she was. i told her that i prayed for an amazing blessing on her life. everytime i saw her she was like my sun. i will miss my students. this was quite a year for us all. coach jones is gone and i wont be able to hear that amazing laugh. school is over.

monday's practice was dopeness to the tenth power. have i told you that im in love with my saxaphonists basil and my beatboxer/pianist/harmonica playing rubox? not that kind of love but the kind that one has that is wrapped up in respect and envy. that boy can play a sax. we wrote two new songs. one still needs lyrics but the other is called summer time love. i cooked for them and they played their hearts out for me. good exchange. we will do it again on monday.

Random Thoughts on House Sitting

11:45 in the p.m.
winding down to common
listening to the rain drops
expanding my mind while reading myself
trying to go without television
even though i hooked up the antennae
frontin'
scared of the dark
realizing i never got over that
cant wait for friday nite
i can finally sleep in on a saturday
vibing to de la soul
rembering my first lesson
he taught me
wishing i was his hey love
waiting for his call
aint that the way
people say patience is a virtue
black and red
follow me
too afraid of the lightning
couldnt go to the bathroom without them
i sleep well here
wish my real home was the same

Indecision creates stagnation part 2

False Truth #1: I am in love with love but cannot find the love for myself.

I was riding from downtown last night when a song by R. Kelly came on the radio. It came out during 1995 I believe. It was a song about how he was sorry for what he had done and how he could no longer function. My ex boyfriend played this for me when I was in the 10th grade. He had cheated on me and felt that he needed to confess because the guilt was eating him alive. He confessed it in front of my best friends during lunch in the middle of homecoming week.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had on a green dress suit because it was dress up day and I was just about to open my turkey sandwhich up when I asked him to tell me what was on his mind. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that. I replied yes because I didn't think it was going to be so serious. Never assume anything. He went on to say that he had done something horrible and proceeded to tell me that he had sex with an ex girlfriend of his. It's amazing how quickly one can lose their appeitite. The next day I walked in his 6th period biology class with my hair in an afro, my mother's dashiki on and every item he had given me inside a shoe box. Right in front of everyone including the ex girlfriend. Sometimes you have to dress the part to do the action. It was not as hard to get over him as I thought. I was fine until one day he called and played that song. He hadn't been with a girl like me he said. It was hard for him to hold onto those sexual urges when you are dating a girl who is a virgin. He missed me and was so sorry for what he had done. He wanted to start over. This would be the day I lost my innocence. This would be the day that I gave away my confidence. This would be the day I would forget who I was.

He cheated on me twice and we broke up three times. The last because he was jealous of a friendship I had with a friend from high school. But that would not be revealed until 3 years later.

So this was the beginning of a domino effect for me. It started with falling for boys who do not want me. Attempting suicide. Losing my virginity at 23 when i knew i wanted to wait for my wedding night (no matter how cliche it sounded). Looking in the mirror and not being able to see love but ugliness. I am trying to press the stop button and create a new life for me. I know it starts and ends with me. Today I make a confession. Today I create change.

Indecision creates stagnation part 1

I was reading the "What I know to be true" section in the Oprah magazine (yes, I read Oprah) and she wrote about creating change for yourself. She mentioned a time where there was a mother who was having trouble getting her 4 year old son to sleep in his bedroom. Oprah had a psychologist to come in and analyze the footage of this mother trying to put her child to sleep and saw that she always allowed him to sleep with her. It was here that the psychologist said, "Nothing happens until you decide." Later the mother made the decision to put her child in his room even if that meant him kicking and screaming for a few nights. Eventually he recognized that his mother was serious and that he had no choice in the matter. I found that within this story I am both the mother and the child.

If you take the time to go back a few blog entries you will see one where I talk about going through a few life changes in order to better myself. Maybe I figured if I were to put it into writing where the entire world can read it it would be my motivation to become active in those goal choices. FALSE!!! Putting it in writing or telling one of my friends does not instantly create that change. I have to decide to do it and then I have to do it. Plan and simple.

Recently I was asked when it would be my time to get married. This was asked after a wedding of a friend of mine. He asked me if I was ready. I said no because I hadn't found anyone to marry yet. He proceeded to ask me what was I looking in my future husband. We went through a list of things but as I thought back later on that conversation I saw that I never ask what I want my husband to look for in me. I never ask what I want to have for myself. We spend all of this time looking for this soulmate and never working on perfecting the soul we already possess. Ours. So, here I am back to the drawing board.

I must make some confessions before I can begin. I have to call out my false truths.

continued in the next blog....