Indecision creates stagnation part 2

False Truth #1: I am in love with love but cannot find the love for myself.

I was riding from downtown last night when a song by R. Kelly came on the radio. It came out during 1995 I believe. It was a song about how he was sorry for what he had done and how he could no longer function. My ex boyfriend played this for me when I was in the 10th grade. He had cheated on me and felt that he needed to confess because the guilt was eating him alive. He confessed it in front of my best friends during lunch in the middle of homecoming week.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had on a green dress suit because it was dress up day and I was just about to open my turkey sandwhich up when I asked him to tell me what was on his mind. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that. I replied yes because I didn't think it was going to be so serious. Never assume anything. He went on to say that he had done something horrible and proceeded to tell me that he had sex with an ex girlfriend of his. It's amazing how quickly one can lose their appeitite. The next day I walked in his 6th period biology class with my hair in an afro, my mother's dashiki on and every item he had given me inside a shoe box. Right in front of everyone including the ex girlfriend. Sometimes you have to dress the part to do the action. It was not as hard to get over him as I thought. I was fine until one day he called and played that song. He hadn't been with a girl like me he said. It was hard for him to hold onto those sexual urges when you are dating a girl who is a virgin. He missed me and was so sorry for what he had done. He wanted to start over. This would be the day I lost my innocence. This would be the day that I gave away my confidence. This would be the day I would forget who I was.

He cheated on me twice and we broke up three times. The last because he was jealous of a friendship I had with a friend from high school. But that would not be revealed until 3 years later.

So this was the beginning of a domino effect for me. It started with falling for boys who do not want me. Attempting suicide. Losing my virginity at 23 when i knew i wanted to wait for my wedding night (no matter how cliche it sounded). Looking in the mirror and not being able to see love but ugliness. I am trying to press the stop button and create a new life for me. I know it starts and ends with me. Today I make a confession. Today I create change.