To the east my brother, to the east!

i have decided to make the move. after being thrusted from my seat of comfort, i am starting to plan my trip to japan in the fall. i am currently looking into being an english teacher in the beautiful country of japan. i have no clue where the money for this new journey is going to come from but i pray that if it is the lord's will that i may go.

this was an idea i played around with since my friend left for japan about a year and half ago. i started researching for visits last year when i thought i may go for my birthday. this year i turn 30. i think it would be wonderful to spend it in a place that will heighten my awarness of the world.

all of this is so new and unexpected. if you are reading this blog and have any tips on traveling and teaching abroad please let me know. if you are a person looking to give money away to worthy cause...please...let me know!

List

it started with an article in a magazine that i had sent to my home religiously every month. for some, they refer to it as their "bible," for me it was another guide into all the expensive things i will never have the desire to get in my life. we call this magazine, oprah. the most appealing part of this issue was the article titled "the love list." it was about a woman who was so distraught by the idea of love that a friend recommended she seek out a clarivoyant. the woman was told that in order for her to get what she desired she was to write a list of what you wanted. the list was to be 100 items long specifying exactly what she wanted in her love. 100?!!! that was a lot to think about. it was also an interesting challange to a person like me. i pulled out my pen and paper and began to write.

the list ended at 96 items and a month later. this wasn't something i wanted to speed through and take lightly. i wrote down everything. his favorite color, height to the number of languages he could speak. yes, he is a well educated man ladies and gentlemen. not the ruff neck brothers we were taught to drool over. the list was then placed in a journal and forgotten. there came a day that the list proved true. out of the 96 items 91 were dead on. made me wonder what would have happened if i had done the full 100. but it wasnt about the list coming true. the problem that surfaced was that i was so busy writing this list of this perfect person that i forgot about the most important thing in my life. me. i was so consumed by the idea of creating someone who i wanted that i forgot to take the time out and get myself ready for the gift i have been given.

now i have sat down to the drawing board again and started to master the list that will change my life. my hopes and dreams. the things i need to cut away from my life that dont work. writing down the challenging details that will shape me into the person that god longs for me to be. i welcome this list. i know that it is something that will exceed the notion of 100 things that will make me into a better person. 100 is only the surface. everyday is an attempt to live at the next 100. soon i will run out of space and will be able to see something that i could have never imagined. a whole person instead of pieces of a puzzle.

men stink

and im over love.

Quotas

3000 dead soliders. have we filled our quota yet?

he is my schroder to my lucy.



one day im going to get over him. i figured that it would take a really hard hit on the head causing me to have amnesia to forget. i was watching a documentary on pbs about the peanuts comic strip and as i was looking on i noticed how lucy was so in love with her pianist. reminded me of myself. trying so desperatly to get his attention but nothing i do or say could pull him away from his music. this is when i say "fuck love."

yeah i have said before. after every broken heart i swear that i wouldn't do it again. i wouldn't allow my heart to be trampled on by those not good enough to hold it. i think the more i get hurt the more i find myself closer to that point. but then again i always find myself back in this stupid boat, trying to figure out how i got myself here and how to get out. who knows, i may just have to drown myself to get this lesson

early birthday wishes

dust off the past of yesterday
and pick yourself from off the floor
and dry your eyes from the tears you've cried
it's time to move on with your life

throw away those old childish things
step into the woman you dream to be
plant your feet firmly to the ground
cause you've been shuffling in shallow unsound

Makeshift Womanhood

i found a lump
cursed my womanhood
touched my womb
and felt something forgein
ive hated this body for too long
this makeshift womanhood was built out of
ooh baby baby love songs
shakesphere tragedies
razor blades
and tears
this one isnt steady
stabile
she's weak
and there are too many cracks in her false image
trying to hold it together with that
scotch tape kind of love
heart looks like swiss cheese cause she gave it away
to 3 many
they never gave it back
they built relationships off her love
only thing that was pure
needs to watch wizard of oz again
tin man didnt give his heart away to dorothy
memo to self:
next time loan that shit out. . . with interest

(to be continued)