Time to Get It Together!

"It's 4:34 in the a.m. and I cannot sleep. Everyday I wake up between the hours of 3 and 4 a.m. and find myself watching that Antique Roadshow on PBS or some re-run of some talk show on television. But today, my inability to sleep feels different."

it's spring, a new moon sits over the horizon and my menstrual cycle is running its course. i believe that i should take notice to this occurance. i need today to be a new day for me. a start of the renewing of my mind, body and spirit. so ive come up with a list of things that i need to deal with and would like to accomplish.

1. stop cursing

ive found that my mouth has become quite a cesspool. this is not a cool thing. i found myself slipping words while at work in whispers which may have danced on the ears of a few second graders. i work with words. words invoke power and when im not using words to nourish my spirit or someone else then i need to reevaluate my language.

2. meditate/pray/connect with spirit

my meditation was me worrying about a bill that needed to be paid, if the boy i really liked would call me back or wondering if i would ever write poetry again. i didnt put the time aside for me to sit, breathe and thank god for just being alive. i havent really done that since i attempted suicide. that moment seem like a blur. to go from one moment of loving life to figuring out the best way to end it was drastic. after it happened i looked at myself as a failure because i thought i couldnt do anything right. i couldnt even kill myself. so there were times where i just would hit a dip in the road and just sit there. stuck. and with each dip i lost a bit of spirit along the way. i dont want to go back to those dips in the road. so i have to sit and center myself so my spirit can find me.

3. lose weight

okay, i know this is starting to sound like a new years resolution list but i have to recognize truth when i sit it bursting through pieces of frabric. the first time i lost weight i was 185 and went down to 140. then i got depressed after my ex and i broke up and ate my way to 215 pounds. ive gotten rid of a lot of clothes and im running out of outfits. my number 2 on the list is really important to how i deal with number 3. im an emotional eater who needs to deal with her emotions in a new way. like running. im an overweight vegetarian. how does that calculate? ive talked to a friend of mine who will be putting a weight training program together for me. i must vow to stick with it. before the end of the year i would like to be down at least 50lbs. we will see how that will turn out.

My Sons and Daughters are Dying

"I've been sitting here for 15 minutes unable to find the right words to start this entry in regards to yesterday's event. Loud silence. That is what I have chosen to describe the emotional noose that has been forced around my neck by the powers that be. Monday I walked with students, parents, concerned and frustrated people who wanted to bring home the soliders. As they walked in unity holding the faces of those that died in this war, I found the frustration was too much too bear."

it is not i who wanted the prayers of mine to usher home the dead

so i stopped praying
thinking that it would save the lives of those sent in the name of another man's pocket
but now my soul is faded with red stains
the white and blue were never mine to claim
they belong to angels and mary
i question if every time i stood in my 5th grade class to recite the pledge
another solider would lose his life
now we tie their faces to strings
light candles
hold roses
and stand as the names are read
we/ve been here before
i saw a picture that had fallen off the wall in an airport
a snapshot of a black granite tombstone
the wall was protesting
this i know to be true
their names will be added to walls for tourists to see
for field trips scheduled for
for mothers to weep
for veterans to salute
and we will pretend to remember

mama a.free.ka copyright 2005

Give my regards to Broadway!

"It's Monday, school is out and I am home sick for New York. Yes, I know I wasn't raised there but it's something about the rumbling of the subway train under my feet, the cold artic breezes and the smell of pizza mixed with a hint of Chinese food that has me longing. I've always wished I was from somewhere else. Telling people you are from Orlando only sends them to question if I know Mickey Mouse and why would I leave the sunshine for snow. My only reply is, there's more to Orlando than Mickey(while trying to believe that hype) and I hate heat. Who wouldn't want to live in a place where there is always something to do other than go to the movies, the mall and the latest tourist attraction? Give me streets blocked with yellow cabs, musicians on streetcorners and protests in the middle of Times Square any day!."

so i get home from the worst plane rides ever. the first flight was from new york to washington and i was stuck in the middle of one man who complained that he had to move to let me in and a woman that sat as if she was riding first class. the second flight i thought would be better because i had a window seat. boy was i wrong. we were informed that the flight was full. okay, i had no problem with that for i had the WINDOW SEAT. my outside partner seemed cool. but when the middle seat holder arrived i found myself hoping that the oxygen mask would drop down from the ceiling as she plopped down next to me. she reeked of cigarette smoke. it was as if she had just climbed out of a box of kools. i looked to the window and wanted to curse it out. i wanted to say, HOW DARE YOU BE A WINDOW AND CANT BE OPEN! but i couldnt. and i didnt. so i just laid my head down and got uncomfortable.

it didnt occur to me that we were home until we arrived to my sister/s house to pick up my car. it was the images of palm trees that brought my reality to a screeching halt. my head is still hurting from that wall of truth. all is not lost, i still love orlando. i cant see myself living anywhere else. my bed helped me to realize that truth. the springs poking through my mattress into my back and the sun opening his trench coat to flash me to wake me with the morning was a good thing. i am thankful for these moments where i can say i have a home to go to and nothing to complain about. i missed my children at school. i missed my co-workers. i missed my friends. i missed my mama (even when she gets on my nerves thousands of miles away). i missed my life. so it is here that i hang up my scarf, hat and the mask of pretending to be a real new yorker and put on my sandals, hawaiian shorts and eat a vegan hot dog.

I've got to be a part of it, New York, New York!

It's Saturday and that marks the last day of my journey to the "City that Never Sleeps" a.k.a New York City. What I thought would only be a run of the mill vacation, has turned into a cultural and emotional odessey. I got lost in Greenwich Village, SoHo, and Chinatown while looking for the Bowery Poetry Club. I found myself in hidden dark alleys, subway trains taking me uptown when i was trying to go downtown and thumbing through albums in record shops when all i wanted to do was keep warm."

i am now happily nursing a sore back and blistering feet. these are only symbols of my trip here. yesterday's day of getting lost in the lower east side prepared me for today's protest march in time square. it also taught me to make sure i know where im going because a bathroom isnt promised. last night i found myself praying, running and sitting on any available step to keep my bladder from exploding.

so here is a recap of the last few days of my journey:

thursday: was horrible and my heart cant bear to mentioned it.

friday: walked around the lower east side. saw the infamous cbgb's, got my afro-cuban jazz on at the bowery poetry club, walked the same streets as edgar allen poe and allen gingsberg and got inspired to write again after listening to mahogany brown at the nuyorican poets cafe. cant forget how i stuffed my face silly at angelica's kitchen and moby's teany resturant. both of which are vegetarian resturants. everyone must try the vegan strawberry shortcake at teany. i swear they are lying about the ingredients. that cake was a toe curling sensation.

saturday: 3rd year anniversary protest for the war in iraq. we marched on the topic of ending the war and closing the recruitment offices down. it started in times square and ended at the united nations. went back to the lower east side for some slam poetry at the bowery poetry club. i performed RAPE MUSIC during the open mic and met some awesome people. i then bounced back to teany for another slice of strawberry shortcake and mocochino.

now: im trying to figure out if it is possible for me to get to brooklyn in the morning to shoot some pictures for dj rod-1. i hope we get a late check out. our plane doesnt leave until 6pm which means we have to be to the airport by 4. i knew i shouldve done this today. im going to attempt to wake up in the next 5 hours, hop on the subway train, take pics, not get lost and make my way back to the hotel before 12pm. i think i can do it.

in order for all of this to happen i need to get some zzzzs. more on the enlightenment part of the trip on the rebound.