The Unrequited L.O.V.E. Series

To the east my brother, to the east!

2009-05-15T17:29:00.002-04:00

i have decided to make the move. after being thrusted from my seat of comfort, i am starting to plan my trip to japan in the fall. i am currently looking into being an english teacher in the beautiful country of japan. i have no clue where the money for this new journey is going to come from but i pray that if it is the lord's will that i may go.

this was an idea i played around with since my friend left for japan about a year and half ago. i started researching for visits last year when i thought i may go for my birthday. this year i turn 30. i think it would be wonderful to spend it in a place that will heighten my awarness of the world.

all of this is so new and unexpected. if you are reading this blog and have any tips on traveling and teaching abroad please let me know. if you are a person looking to give money away to worthy cause...please...let me know!

List

2009-05-13T21:41:00.005-04:00

it started with an article in a magazine that i had sent to my home religiously every month. for some, they refer to it as their "bible," for me it was another guide into all the expensive things i will never have the desire to get in my life. we call this magazine, oprah. the most appealing part of this issue was the article titled "the love list." it was about a woman who was so distraught by the idea of love that a friend recommended she seek out a clarivoyant. the woman was told that in order for her to get what she desired she was to write a list of what you wanted. the list was to be 100 items long specifying exactly what she wanted in her love. 100?!!! that was a lot to think about. it was also an interesting challange to a person like me. i pulled out my pen and paper and began to write.

the list ended at 96 items and a month later. this wasn't something i wanted to speed through and take lightly. i wrote down everything. his favorite color, height to the number of languages he could speak. yes, he is a well educated man ladies and gentlemen. not the ruff neck brothers we were taught to drool over. the list was then placed in a journal and forgotten. there came a day that the list proved true. out of the 96 items 91 were dead on. made me wonder what would have happened if i had done the full 100. but it wasnt about the list coming true. the problem that surfaced was that i was so busy writing this list of this perfect person that i forgot about the most important thing in my life. me. i was so consumed by the idea of creating someone who i wanted that i forgot to take the time out and get myself ready for the gift i have been given.

now i have sat down to the drawing board again and started to master the list that will change my life. my hopes and dreams. the things i need to cut away from my life that dont work. writing down the challenging details that will shape me into the person that god longs for me to be. i welcome this list. i know that it is something that will exceed the notion of 100 things that will make me into a better person. 100 is only the surface. everyday is an attempt to live at the next 100. soon i will run out of space and will be able to see something that i could have never imagined. a whole person instead of pieces of a puzzle.

men stink

2007-04-10T00:22:00.000-04:00

and im over love.

Quotas

2007-01-01T23:31:00.000-05:00

3000 dead soliders. have we filled our quota yet?

2006-10-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

he is my schroder to my lucy.

one day im going to get over him. i figured that it would take a really hard hit on the head causing me to have amnesia to forget. i was watching a documentary on pbs about the peanuts comic strip and as i was looking on i noticed how lucy was so in love with her pianist. reminded me of myself. trying so desperatly to get his attention but nothing i do or say could pull him away from his music. this is when i say "fuck love."

yeah i have said before. after every broken heart i swear that i wouldn't do it again. i wouldn't allow my heart to be trampled on by those not good enough to hold it. i think the more i get hurt the more i find myself closer to that point. but then again i always find myself back in this stupid boat, trying to figure out how i got myself here and how to get out. who knows, i may just have to drown myself to get this lesson

early birthday wishes

2006-09-27T19:14:00.000-04:00

dust off the past of yesterday
and pick yourself from off the floor
and dry your eyes from the tears you've cried
it's time to move on with your life

throw away those old childish things
step into the woman you dream to be
plant your feet firmly to the ground
cause you've been shuffling in shallow unsound

Makeshift Womanhood

2006-08-03T11:23:00.000-04:00

i found a lump
cursed my womanhood
touched my womb
and felt something forgein
ive hated this body for too long
this makeshift womanhood was built out of
ooh baby baby love songs
shakesphere tragedies
razor blades
and tears
this one isnt steady
stabile
she's weak
and there are too many cracks in her false image
trying to hold it together with that
scotch tape kind of love
heart looks like swiss cheese cause she gave it away
to 3 many
they never gave it back
they built relationships off her love
only thing that was pure
needs to watch wizard of oz again
tin man didnt give his heart away to dorothy
memo to self:
next time loan that shit out. . . with interest

(to be continued)

HOW TO GET OVER A CRUSH IN 1 DAY

2006-07-29T05:44:00.001-04:00

"I think it's safe to say that I have a crush. Well, more like sad to say that I have a crush seeing that it has lastest for, come august, and entire year. The title of this blog series is becoming more evident as the days goes by. People always say be careful what you name something. Ok, people don't always say that but I know I do and that is real enough for me."

he is beautiful. everytime i see him i revert to being in middle school. he is the sweetest, most intelligent and funniest person to chill with and everyday i ask myself what could he possibly gain from me. and i reply, "the same thing he gives you." he's what i like to call the everyman. he literally knows everything about music. he is a walking encylopedia. he just started writing poetry and everytime he writes i new piece i get the chance to hear it before anyone else. his talents exceed anything you could ever imagine. but while im gushing about this person i know he isnt gushing for me.

i made my crush known the day of my birthday of last year. lesson number 1: never text message someone that you like them. it makes you appear to be a huge DORK!

he didnt reply. so all night i stayed up thinking about how much i was such a dumbass for doing that. i was too scared to tell him face to face because i was afraid of how much the repulsed expression on his face could do to a person of my insecure stature. ive told boys that ive liked them plenty of times. and everytime they just stood there looking. not saying anything. i swear you could hear my heart fall to the bottom of my feet. so i figured this would be the safe route. boy was i wrong.

the next night we talked about it. he began to tell me how he wasnt looking to be in a relationship right now. so i stopped him in mid sentence before the rest of my face decided to slip off. i just thought that maybe this time i would get it right. i told him that it was alright and he didnt have to finish. we ended up talking about music till 5 in the morning.

a few days ago i realized that ive had the same crush on one person for an entire year. im pathetic. whats the point of pinning away for someone if they pine away for you too. sitting at home hoping to see if he will call me is not very productive. i feel like such an idiot. he makes me what to better myself. i have taken up the goal of trying to stop cursing. he makes me want to have a clean mouth. which is weird seeing that he curses but i have a tendency to overuse my words. i want to offer my best self to him. even after hes seen my worst. and hope that he would want it after its been cleaned and polished. i so need to get over him. anyone have tips on how to get over a crush?

I am happy for all of the wonderful comments to this note. I must say that I was able to get over this person. It took him to be a true ass for me to wake up to reality but I am glad it is out of my system. There isn't anything really profound to say on this matter other than that it is important to get over these horrible infuations. Please find yourself. Love yourself. I know this is hard to get. I am still struggling. But we must regain our true self. Peace to you all. (Dec. 30 08)

2006-07-05T22:08:00.000-04:00

love.
where are you.
i figured if i made this question
into a statement
your absence wouldn't be so hard to answer
it leaves the period begging for an explanation

Beat me a beat beatboxer!

2006-06-29T10:41:00.000-04:00

"I met god last night and her name is sound"

last night was the dopest concert i have been to in a long time. ucf's organization hillel and elements sponsored an event called BRINGIN' BACK THE BEATBOX. they flew in two of the dopest beatboxers (after rubox) and they vibrated every molecule in my body. the beatboxers were KID BEYOND (www.kidbeyond.com) and TIM BARSKEY. both are of jewish desent that are intouch with their inner hip hop.

The show opened with RUBOX (www.nonsenserecords.com/rubox.html) blowing up the mic. i love to see him perform. i get this proud feeling as if he was my child. god bless his mother and father. everytime i see him he makes me want to step up my game as a performer. im glad he is my beatboxer. now, not only did he perform but he also hosted. talk about multi tasking. did i mention that i was proud? following rubox was DJ SPS (www.nonsenserecords.com/sps.html). sps is the badest dj to ever walk the face of the earth.

my nephew and my godneice were going to come to experience this amazing night. but my nephew had to study for his test in summer school. luckly my godneice, jazzia, was able to come and be blown away. when sps began his set i made sure she stood right in front of the turntables. jazzia is 13 years old and never saw anything like this before. she had the advantage. i was 25 when i saw sps for the first time.

so after sps melted vinyl with his fingers, kid beyond approached the stage and worked his magic. now i have to back track a week here to make sense of what i will say later. my boy kelly let me listen to his portishead cd. wandering star is my new favorite song. last night kid beyond perform wandering star using only his voice. and this is when i say that everything happens for a reason. kid beyond beatboxed his ass off. the dissapointing this was that there were people talking through his performance. whatever happened to passing notes. anywho, kid beyond finished his performance and was followed by tim barsky.

tim barsky beatboxes and plays the flute at the same time. he was very good. he was having a problem with the sound which made it difficult to hear himself as he attempted to play. i figured people didnt understand this and decided to leave but it was all good. he was playing for me.

before the night ended a few kids came in who had arrived late. they talk to kid beyond and he did an extra set for them. this time he had sps accompany him. sps needs to stay in contact with him to do some work on an album.

my only regret last night was not having any money to get a cd from kid beyond. i wanted to get one for my nephew. his birthday is saturday so i will just have to order from cd baby (http://cdbaby.com/cd/kidbeyond).

that night reached its hand in my heart and beatboxed on my heartstrings.

Go Starbananas!

2006-06-16T23:03:00.000-04:00

"Laughing wild amid severest woe."

-Holly Riggs line from Laughing Wild

tonight i was so proud of two of my closest friends. i was blown away by their production of Christopher Durang's Laughing Wild. it was the first time i would have the experience to see them do what do in the theatre world. and i must say, they do it so well.

if anyone should get the chance to see this production or the play done somewhere else it is a must see. the story follows two people exploring life,sex and death. holly played a woman who is mentally unstable and on her quest to be heard, seen and wanted while attempting to buy tuna fish. tod caviness plays a character who searches for positivity amist his obsessive negative thinking. i must mention that this is a comedy. it was also blatantly true and real.

holly does a scene where she screams how she wishes she was dead. that scene was all too real to me. it made me see how we all have these moments that just feel like they are unraveling with each second and you are desperately attempting to hold on. this play touched me greatly.

holly is my shining starbanana.

chasing ethan

2006-06-15T11:13:00.000-04:00

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."
-"Charlie Brown"

memories of my childhood are vague but i will always remember ethan. blond hair, blue eyes, birthmark of a mole over his lip. he was gorgeous. i had a crush on him for four years. all through elementary i did everything to get this boy to notice me. i found out that his favorite band was new kids on the block so when the fair came into town i won him a new kids on the block hat. my horrible attempt at buying someone's affection went unnoticed. i failed to mention that he was a major athlete. so my interest in kickball games and teather ball rose instantly. i started to like what he liked even if i didn't. i was good at this. pretending. pretending for love.

then he likes one of my best friends. she asks me if it was okay that they hook up. they were perfect for eachother. both loved sports. im sure there was more but as far as 5th grade goes thats all i knew. so this became the norm. girl falls for the boy. boy doesn't notice girl. boy notices girl's bestfriend. boy and girl's best friend date. girl is left to listen to them talk about eachother. girl would like to be gagged with a spoon.

unrequited love forces you to do things that you didn't think you would ever do. laughing at jokes when you know they aren't funny. being that garbage can for them when they need to dump their emotional trash. allowing them to touch you in places with hands void of love but full of want. you forget your friends when that person decides that they want to include you in their day.

hmm, i guess i have unrequited love for myself. havent taken the time to love me back. why? ive spent too much time trying to make someone else love me when the easy part is to just love myself. i couldve saved so much time, money and hospital bills if i recognized this early on. but hey, i did learn a lot about boy bands, basketball, football, business, jesus, tennis, naruto, the simpsons, halo, graffiti and hip hop(not neccessarily in that order).

Dr. Vest

2006-06-05T11:38:00.000-04:00

Check out an amazing poet new to the Orlando scence. Jennifer Lisa Vest. www.mxdmessages.com. You will be sad if you dont.

I Secretly Hate CeCe Winans

2006-06-05T10:47:00.000-04:00

"Okay, I must issue a disclaimer here: I do not secretly hate CeCe Winans or anyone with the same name."

yesterday, while i sat in my quietness due to a sore throat, i found myself thinking on past moments that have affected my life and the perception i have about myself. well, it hit me while i was in the bathroom but hey, thats the best place to contemplate about life. anywho, i remembered while my ex and i were dating how obsessed he had become with cece winans.

he loved her. he thought she was so beautiful, she could sing, she loved the lord, and at the time she had long hair. yes, i was jealous but it was the comments of how he wanted to marry her that made me not like her anymore. that may not be the "christian way" but it hurt my feelings. to know that the man i was madly in love was thinking about some other chick. that made me doubt myself.

trying to hold onto someone when you know deep down inside that they want someone that isnt you is a foolish thing. with those life moments i experienced im now doing a major overhaul of self hate. if i could visit my younger self i would tell her to hold on to herself. i would tell her that life doesnt have to be so hard because she loved hard. i would tell her to take it slow. dont say i love you unless you mean it. dont try to buy their affection, it doesnt work and you just end up broke anyways. then i would tell her to look in the mirror everyday of her life and tell herself that she is beautiful and worthy to be loved. but seeing that i have no time machine i can only prepare my future self in the now. so, i love you veronica. i love you too. :-)

12 step program to recovery

2006-05-29T02:52:00.000-04:00

"Tonight, I danced my butt off. But even in all the midst of the jumping around to old school hip hop I found myself alone. I called a friend of mine to see how they were doing. I then asked what they were getting into later in the evening. They told me that they were meeting up with a bunch of their friends to go to cleo's. No, not the strip joint. That place really ought to change it's name. anywho. They invited me along. Now I must inform the reader that I was not looking for an invitation."

so we go out. step up right next to dj bmf's .myspace.com/djbmf) turntables and jam out. but as i watch the person i came with have conversations with everyone except me i begin to drift into my old veronica mode. im sad on the inside but try to hide it on the outside. questioning if i have anything in common with this person whatsoever. whether this person just invited me along because they felt obligated. so at this point im upset and not enjoying myself as much as i would like. sending me through another realm of self-hate. i get home and i stand at the door for what seems to be eternity but only a split second and i see my life flash before my eyes. me. alone. quickly i come in, change out of my danced out clothes into my bob marley shirt and head for my 12 step program.

i wrote this three weeks ago and told myself i was going to read it everyday. i failed at doing that so im going back to start my mission over the right way.

i took every negative thing i thought about myself and turned into the positve. here they are as followed:

1) i am worthy to be loved

2) i am beautiful

3) i have the ability to do whatever i choose to do and do it well

4) i accomplish all my tasks before deadline

5) i am powerful

6) i am stress free

7) i am intelligent and always willing to learn more

8) i treasure my alone time

9) i create action

10) i am gifted, blessed and anoited

11) i know where i am and where i am going

12) i love me

Get Out and Be Life!

2006-05-28T10:32:00.000-04:00

"When I saw you, I knew you wanted to cut a rug! Come on, let's go cut a rug!"

friday i went out. i went out with some really good friends and shared laughs and memories that will only belong to us. we called it road trip. even though it was just to cocoa. i went out. i know i keep repeating this but it means so much to me when i leave a house and breathe air that is knew to me.

on this adventure went dj sps, julie, rubox and myself. we were going to alias' cd release party. sps was performing as well as a few more nonsense artists (www.nonsenserecords.com). so you know what that means! photo ops! on our arrival we encountered dj rod-1 spinning on the ones and twos. rippin' it as usual. he threw on some fugees followed by blackstar. at that moment i was invited out on the dancefloor with this crazydope man. it was good to dance. i havent dance in a long time. i laughed like a school girl. hiding my face with my hands and my camera as i took pics of the moment. his name was chris. i think he is alias' brother. he danced all night.

we waited all night for sps to get on, but when he did he took everyone back to a place where some either hadnt been or missed like a summer rain. swamburger, rubox and fellow b-boy uprocked, spinned and all the other stuff inbetween.

the ride home was the best. i almost busted a gut with rubox's unending jokes. we all sang 80's hits and eventually fell asleep.

now i must back it up to thursday (stardust) and wednesday (speakeasy @ will's pub). two words. BUDDY WAKEFIELD. j.bradley (www.brokenspeech.com) said that if the sun came down to earth it would be buddy wakefield. the sun he definitely is. invited my friend rubox and he invited his friend from work and we were invited by buddy to listen to some awesome poetry. that man can do nothing but inspire you to write. go to his site. www.buddywakefield.com. strat should have been there.

wednesday was more awesome. packed room at speakeasy to hear buddy wakefield. my homeboy shawn welcome was there. as well as rubox. reunited myself with kendra corrie. it was poet heaven for me. sharing stories and jokes with people i hadnt seen in a while. curtis, ronin, and jarrod did jawdropping group pieces. im so glad i stayed to the end.

tuesday was the last day of school for the students. i got through the whole day without crying until the last child rode her bike to my crossing position. it was my favorite karma student, brina. face red and ready to shed tears. we hugged and i told her how amazing she was. i told her that i prayed for an amazing blessing on her life. everytime i saw her she was like my sun. i will miss my students. this was quite a year for us all. coach jones is gone and i wont be able to hear that amazing laugh. school is over.

monday's practice was dopeness to the tenth power. have i told you that im in love with my saxaphonists basil and my beatboxer/pianist/harmonica playing rubox? not that kind of love but the kind that one has that is wrapped up in respect and envy. that boy can play a sax. we wrote two new songs. one still needs lyrics but the other is called summer time love. i cooked for them and they played their hearts out for me. good exchange. we will do it again on monday.

Random Thoughts on House Sitting

2006-05-11T23:47:00.000-04:00

11:45 in the p.m.
winding down to common
listening to the rain drops
expanding my mind while reading myself
trying to go without television
even though i hooked up the antennae
frontin'
scared of the dark
realizing i never got over that
cant wait for friday nite
i can finally sleep in on a saturday
vibing to de la soul
rembering my first lesson
he taught me
wishing i was his hey love
waiting for his call
aint that the way
people say patience is a virtue
black and red
follow me
too afraid of the lightning
couldnt go to the bathroom without them
i sleep well here
wish my real home was the same

Indecision creates stagnation part 2

2006-05-04T17:19:00.000-04:00

False Truth #1: I am in love with love but cannot find the love for myself.

I was riding from downtown last night when a song by R. Kelly came on the radio. It came out during 1995 I believe. It was a song about how he was sorry for what he had done and how he could no longer function. My ex boyfriend played this for me when I was in the 10th grade. He had cheated on me and felt that he needed to confess because the guilt was eating him alive. He confessed it in front of my best friends during lunch in the middle of homecoming week.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had on a green dress suit because it was dress up day and I was just about to open my turkey sandwhich up when I asked him to tell me what was on his mind. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that. I replied yes because I didn't think it was going to be so serious. Never assume anything. He went on to say that he had done something horrible and proceeded to tell me that he had sex with an ex girlfriend of his. It's amazing how quickly one can lose their appeitite. The next day I walked in his 6th period biology class with my hair in an afro, my mother's dashiki on and every item he had given me inside a shoe box. Right in front of everyone including the ex girlfriend. Sometimes you have to dress the part to do the action. It was not as hard to get over him as I thought. I was fine until one day he called and played that song. He hadn't been with a girl like me he said. It was hard for him to hold onto those sexual urges when you are dating a girl who is a virgin. He missed me and was so sorry for what he had done. He wanted to start over. This would be the day I lost my innocence. This would be the day that I gave away my confidence. This would be the day I would forget who I was.

He cheated on me twice and we broke up three times. The last because he was jealous of a friendship I had with a friend from high school. But that would not be revealed until 3 years later.

So this was the beginning of a domino effect for me. It started with falling for boys who do not want me. Attempting suicide. Losing my virginity at 23 when i knew i wanted to wait for my wedding night (no matter how cliche it sounded). Looking in the mirror and not being able to see love but ugliness. I am trying to press the stop button and create a new life for me. I know it starts and ends with me. Today I make a confession. Today I create change.

Indecision creates stagnation part 1

2006-05-04T16:45:00.000-04:00

I was reading the "What I know to be true" section in the Oprah magazine (yes, I read Oprah) and she wrote about creating change for yourself. She mentioned a time where there was a mother who was having trouble getting her 4 year old son to sleep in his bedroom. Oprah had a psychologist to come in and analyze the footage of this mother trying to put her child to sleep and saw that she always allowed him to sleep with her. It was here that the psychologist said, "Nothing happens until you decide." Later the mother made the decision to put her child in his room even if that meant him kicking and screaming for a few nights. Eventually he recognized that his mother was serious and that he had no choice in the matter. I found that within this story I am both the mother and the child.

If you take the time to go back a few blog entries you will see one where I talk about going through a few life changes in order to better myself. Maybe I figured if I were to put it into writing where the entire world can read it it would be my motivation to become active in those goal choices. FALSE!!! Putting it in writing or telling one of my friends does not instantly create that change. I have to decide to do it and then I have to do it. Plan and simple.

Recently I was asked when it would be my time to get married. This was asked after a wedding of a friend of mine. He asked me if I was ready. I said no because I hadn't found anyone to marry yet. He proceeded to ask me what was I looking in my future husband. We went through a list of things but as I thought back later on that conversation I saw that I never ask what I want my husband to look for in me. I never ask what I want to have for myself. We spend all of this time looking for this soulmate and never working on perfecting the soul we already possess. Ours. So, here I am back to the drawing board.

I must make some confessions before I can begin. I have to call out my false truths.

continued in the next blog....

Out of the Mouth of Babes

2006-04-18T12:54:00.000-04:00

This was a conversation that took place between me and a kindergarten student.

"Look Miss Smith! I have a new book bag! Does your son have a book bag? Do you have a son?"

"No."

"Why don't you have a son Miss Smith?"

"Because I'm not married."

"You're not married?!"

"No."

"So sad, so sad! You are so alone Miss Smith."

Fat America

2006-04-15T17:43:00.000-04:00

Fat America

This little piggy went to market
Sells her fatback for the high price of fame
Plasters her fatback on every page
Spread those thighs a little wider
Fat America can’t see your damaged soul
Charity work makes page 6 news
Sex tapes gets the headliner
Tour the daytime talk show circuit
Try to change her image
Signed up for a new role
Plays mother earth
Adopts an Ethiopian/Cambodian
Steals a husband
Becomes an ambassador
All in a days work
while
This little piggy stayed home
Glued to television screens
One hand on the remote
The other masturbating to each click
Remember you can tivo American idol
Whispers fat America
And still have 13 hours to split
Between his xbox 360 and getting high
Skip the news little piggy
Beat stupid America at their game
But play along with jeopardy
To keep fresh on old topics
Don’t worry about school
Wheel of fortune will teach him how to spell
Just make sure he tells vanna white
To spin those letters a little faster
Gotta keep up
No time to waste
A man can taste his fame and glory
When he wants to be a millionaire
Those scratch offs aren’t paying up the investment
So save your pennies to buy you a ticket to california
Stand in line
Then come on down to barkerville
Get rich and famous
To wine and dine with
This little piggy who had roast and beef
Throws it up in public restrooms
Trying to hold to that shape
Dying to be fine
Generation Y breakdances for mickey d’s
Coke
High blood pressure
Diabetes
Clogged arteries
Dada-da-da-da im loving it
Hormone injected cows tell you to eat more chicken
Feeling sluggish
Depressed
Fat America has the cure
Charge your diets to master card
And shop till you drop
Stock up on shoes you will never wear
Hide the clothes in your children’s closet
He’ll never looked there
Go into debt and keep it a secret
The jones’ can never know
Little piggy make your pledge to fat America
The red
White
And green
Act like you have a lot of money
Hold your nose up to
This little piggy who had none
And this little piggy went i-i-i all the way home

mama a.free.ka copyright 2006

a work in progress - untitled

2006-04-10T11:46:00.000-04:00

Teach me how to box my emotions inside
Multicolored cubes
Then shuffle it
For people to get mad and peel away the pieces
Leaving them black void emotionless
I want to be the one to hide
Laughing at the people’s inability to figure me out
Mind if I call you jack in the box
Popping out at the drop of break beats
Cant beat out the box for this one
No
I got foresight
Insight
But mercury must have been in retrograde when I met you
Didn’t know you were going to be another one to call me friend
Thought we had a common thread so we could sew our roots
Giving birth to poetry that only sounded good backed up with you
I was looking for someone to have my back
Touch my back
Kiss me on the back of neck
Then I would listen to you talk about back in the day when you were a kid
But we not kids anymore
We grown folks
I just wanted to memorize your life story so it could be mine

“I used to save my lunch money to buy records
$8.00 it would total
Then I would ride on my bike to the shop to pick out the new vinyl”

See how that sounded so real
Isn’t that what hip hop is
Real
Isnt that what you fell in love with
real
I thought hip hop was me
real
Thought hip hop was we
real
Must have gotten my frequencies crossed with that new pop fake
Gotta tell you the truth
My phone was full of messages I saved
Because you beat boxed my name
And my heart would up-rock to it every time
Thought it was infatuation
But then you would reveal a new side to me
And all I could think was how DOPE and FRESH you are
Yeah I wrote your name
In cursive
In print
In graffiti
Didn’t write nothing else
Couldn’t write nothing else
Found myself waiting for your call
Like clockwork 8:45
And we would talk till 1 in the a.m.
About our feelings
But that would get only a 10 minute set
The headliner was music
And I didn’t mind
I was talking to you
See you blew my mind
Cant help to admit you still do
Wish I did the same for you
And maybe I did for those few seconds
Because listening requires commitment
And I wasn’t worthy of your time
Didn’t want to throw you off beat
Because the time signature of running away from your feelings
Is a tricky one
I didn’t want to write this poem
Because it would mean that you were never into me
And I have to get over you

Here is where I would curse
And find myself right back where I started from

mama a.free.ka copyright 2006

suicide love note #1

2006-04-10T08:27:00.000-04:00

i put my head in a noose
trying to get the thought of you
away from me
but my guardian angel cut me down
maybe i should become an atheist

-mama a.free.ka copyright 2006

Time to Get It Together!

2006-03-28T04:34:00.000-05:00

"It's 4:34 in the a.m. and I cannot sleep. Everyday I wake up between the hours of 3 and 4 a.m. and find myself watching that Antique Roadshow on PBS or some re-run of some talk show on television. But today, my inability to sleep feels different."

it's spring, a new moon sits over the horizon and my menstrual cycle is running its course. i believe that i should take notice to this occurance. i need today to be a new day for me. a start of the renewing of my mind, body and spirit. so ive come up with a list of things that i need to deal with and would like to accomplish.

1. stop cursing

ive found that my mouth has become quite a cesspool. this is not a cool thing. i found myself slipping words while at work in whispers which may have danced on the ears of a few second graders. i work with words. words invoke power and when im not using words to nourish my spirit or someone else then i need to reevaluate my language.

2. meditate/pray/connect with spirit

my meditation was me worrying about a bill that needed to be paid, if the boy i really liked would call me back or wondering if i would ever write poetry again. i didnt put the time aside for me to sit, breathe and thank god for just being alive. i havent really done that since i attempted suicide. that moment seem like a blur. to go from one moment of loving life to figuring out the best way to end it was drastic. after it happened i looked at myself as a failure because i thought i couldnt do anything right. i couldnt even kill myself. so there were times where i just would hit a dip in the road and just sit there. stuck. and with each dip i lost a bit of spirit along the way. i dont want to go back to those dips in the road. so i have to sit and center myself so my spirit can find me.

3. lose weight

okay, i know this is starting to sound like a new years resolution list but i have to recognize truth when i sit it bursting through pieces of frabric. the first time i lost weight i was 185 and went down to 140. then i got depressed after my ex and i broke up and ate my way to 215 pounds. ive gotten rid of a lot of clothes and im running out of outfits. my number 2 on the list is really important to how i deal with number 3. im an emotional eater who needs to deal with her emotions in a new way. like running. im an overweight vegetarian. how does that calculate? ive talked to a friend of mine who will be putting a weight training program together for me. i must vow to stick with it. before the end of the year i would like to be down at least 50lbs. we will see how that will turn out.

My Sons and Daughters are Dying

2006-03-21T17:42:00.000-05:00

"I've been sitting here for 15 minutes unable to find the right words to start this entry in regards to yesterday's event. Loud silence. That is what I have chosen to describe the emotional noose that has been forced around my neck by the powers that be. Monday I walked with students, parents, concerned and frustrated people who wanted to bring home the soliders. As they walked in unity holding the faces of those that died in this war, I found the frustration was too much too bear."

it is not i who wanted the prayers of mine to usher home the dead

so i stopped praying
thinking that it would save the lives of those sent in the name of another man's pocket
but now my soul is faded with red stains
the white and blue were never mine to claim
they belong to angels and mary
i question if every time i stood in my 5th grade class to recite the pledge
another solider would lose his life
now we tie their faces to strings
light candles
hold roses
and stand as the names are read
we/ve been here before
i saw a picture that had fallen off the wall in an airport
a snapshot of a black granite tombstone
the wall was protesting
this i know to be true
their names will be added to walls for tourists to see
for field trips scheduled for
for mothers to weep
for veterans to salute
and we will pretend to remember

mama a.free.ka copyright 2005